Okay to Love
by hamxham
Summary: I’ve hurt her so much, caused her so much pain, and yet, she is still always there for me… Sometimes, I think that it may be better for her to hate me, so that I might be able to forget her… and save myself from drowning in this lukewarm water… Kyouru.


**A/N:**Hey guys! I'm, um, new to the Fruits Basket fandom (only on book 7 but loving it with all my heart!) So yesterday, after reading chapter 33, I was so shocked and loved it so much that I had to type this up. Um, I wouldn't really call this spoilers, but if you for some reason haven't read that chapter (its in book 6), I advise you not to spoil it for youself. (and there's also some stuff from chapter 30, just so you know) :P

Enjoy!!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Fruits Basket. If I did, I would be a happy happy person right now.

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Okay to Love

_by Ririi-Chan_

There are four things that I hate more than anything in this world: leeks, miso, spring onions, and Yuki. But mostly Yuki.

And that is true. Or at least, _was_.But now, there's something I hate even more than those nasty foods, and even more that damned rat.

Me.

I've despised myself for as long as I remember, disgusted at the fact that I had been born the cat, the outcast, unwanted and looked down upon by everyone. Even my own mother. So much that it had driven her to her own death, victim of suicide.

I never forgave myself for that.

The first person who ever saw me for who I really was was Shishou. Despite my hideous curse, he took me in, and treated me like his own son, and I will be forever grateful to him.

And the second person, was _her_.

She was the lone flower in a field of nonexistent grass and trees, the bright sun shining through the thick of rain. She, who had gone through so much more than anyone could imagine, and she who still smiled everyday…

She was the reason I hate myself as much as I do now.

The first time I saw her, when I knew nothing about her, I instantly decided that she would be my enemy. I yelled at her, screamed at her, for anything and everything that I could ever think of, yet she still remained so kind and caring nonetheless. Even when she told me that the cat was her favorite animal, and that she wanted to be a cat, I was too stubborn, and too afraid, to take back the unwelcoming attitude I had bestowed upon her.

Eventually, the barrier of imaginary hatred dissolved, and I was left with a feeling I had never dealt with before, a feeling I had only been able to describe as "drowning in lukewarm water". I found that, deep down, I really cared for her, even _worried_ for her. But, I could not find it in myself to show it on the outside, and I was sickened by my disability to be able to accomplish something as simple as that.

Like that time she got sick, for example. It took all of my courage to bring myself to cook dinner for her, and to survive the implications of Shigure's endless teasing. I brought it up to her room for her to eat. She thanked me. I, being so pathetic, didn't know how to respond to that, so I tried to leave the room. But then, of all the things she could have said, she said _sorry_. And the next thing I knew, she was crying.

I hated myself for not putting a comforting arm around her.

And I might've even eventually hated myself to death, if not for the incident when Shishou pulled off my juzu beads.

The moment the magical ward was separated from me, my body gave way to the hideous beast that resided within, along side the cursed spirit of the cat. It was, no, _I_ was, ugly and terrifying, enough to repel everyone out of sight and scare anybody out of there mind. But of course, there was her.

My first thought after my transformation was that I had to get away from her. If she saw me like this, she was sure to turn her back on me, to think of me as this horrible monster for the rest of her life, and never look at me in the same comforting way again.

And then… she chased after me. Hell, even I wouldn't have the guts to approach me in that form. But then again, I didn't really have the guts to do much else, either.

I told her to go away, but she wouldn't listen. I asked her what the hell her problem was. I shouted that I didn't want her pity. When she came too close, I begged, more like hollered in her face, to not touch me.

Finally, I lost control and slashed at her, leaving three long gashes on her shoulder.

And then, I said the most awful and cruel things possible to her.

_You drive me crazy!_

_I can't stand to look at you!_

_Next time I'll cut your face to pieces!_

_GET LOST!!_

I thought, that if I'm going to lose her anyway, I'll make it so bad, I'll hurt her so much, that it couldn't possibly hurt anymore.

Yet she was still there, clinging onto my arm…

_I want to be __**together**_

Those words… they had this affect on me… I… I really didn't know how to react to it. I had regained my human form, and I sat there, next to her. And I cried. For the first time, I let my tears out, washing away all the sadness, all the anger, all the regret…

I've hurt her so much, caused her so much pain, and yet, she was always there for me still… Sometimes, I think it may be better for her to hate me, so that I might forget… and save myself from drowning in lukewarm water…

But as I held her to me, in the briefest of embraces, I knew, that ultimately, I would never be able to have her… but I also realized, that maybe… just maybe… it would be okay… to love her…

Just maybe.

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**A/N: **Well, there ya go. My first Fruits Basket fanfic. Yayy!! Now, press the little grayish button on the bottom of the screen and leave a review plz!! :D


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